New York Financial Ruin tour

I’m quitting my job today to become a tour guide. I’m going to offer fanny-packed, fat asses from the Midwest a personal tour through what was once New York’s financial center.

We’ll start the tour in Grand Central, and make our way to the building formerly known as Bear Stearns, and talk about the greatest real estate steal since beads were passed to Indians. I’ll make up some nonsense about secret passages between that building and JPMorgan, because tourists like that stuff.

Then it’s over to Lehman Brothers Barclays, where people can have their picture made with the largest, ugliest sign of monkey bile blue in the world. Who would’ve thought Lehman’s original monstrosity would one day be considered tame when compared to what Barclays put up. We’ll also be sure and stop by 2 CPW so people can see where Erin Callan had racks of cloths brought to her since she was too busy making up numbers to have time to eat and shop. 

We’ll definitely make our way downtown. The New York Fed will be a good stop. I’ll point out the corner where John Thain put his nuts in a jar and handed them over to Ken Lewis. I’m sure people will want to see the street formerly called Wall Street and its symbolic bull’s sudden case of blue balls.

Finally, we’ll be sure and wave as we pass by the Wall Street Journal’s offices, the same way they waved off excess leverage without bothering to stop and talk to anyone.