Resolutions: Part 1: Eliminate the bullshit

When I started working as a full-time journalist six years ago, I took every opportunity to meet with people in whatever subject area I was covering. Over time, I’ve gotten busier and had to become more selective about whom I spend time with.

Picking which relationships to feed or develop is very difficult. Some of my best sources and some good friends have resulted from completely random and unlikely circumstances. I met one friend from a mass email. I met another via an ad I posted on Craigslist asking for help with a project. So I am disinclined to ignore opportunities.

At the same time, I can’t begin to count the number of useless meetings I’ve had and people I no longer speak to. Or worse: there are those who once were useful and now just waste time. Parasites, even if they are nice people.

Life is short. Yesterday I killed my Myspace account (I’d already killed my Friendster account). I’m keeping Facebook and LinkedIn and Plaxo for now, but I want to have relationships that are meaningful. Someone I’ve never met in person invited me to be a “friend” just the other day and I accepted because I’ve heard good things about this person (we have a mutual friend), and that may turn into something. But I really want to focus on the best and feed the longest and most fruitful relationships.

I’m not saying I’m trying to be Machiavellian (people aren’t just about their utility), but one has to attempt forethought, at least in workplace situations and when dealing with scant time. I’m convinced that most prognosticators get it wrong most of the time (Wall Street analysts, political commentators, people who bet on sports), but that’s because they try to predict external events.

But if you’re responsible for at least half of any relationship, betting on its effectiveness is worth an effort. I know I’m unlikely to have much to talk about with the head of sales at a retail personal finance company. He may be a great guy, but it’s not in my beat and though it might be tangentially useful to what I do write about (hedge funds) why would I spend time exploring tangents when there are plenty of immediately useful people to call? (Incidentally, this is why reporters hate useless pitches: they’re just a pure waste of time). I know a reporter who is constantly going on meetings with tangential people. It doesn’t seem to be a wellspring of info for her, though she does get to eat and drink for free a lot.

Dean Kamen has some great advice on this: when trying to decide which ideas to execute, consider the best-case scenarios for each idea. In the end, which ideal result was most worthy of your time? Now, why would you put effort into the less worthy idea? (For instance, would you want to create the world’s best toothpick or the world’s best and cheapest water purification system? Which would have the greater impact?). Increasingly, I think, when it comes to new acquaintances, it makes sense to have a similar mindset.

That doesn’t mean shutting people out, but setting boundaries. In New York, having a massive network of acquaintances seems to be inevitable. But it doesn’t make sense to “grab a drink” or lunch with all of those people, though many of them will be after you for just that. Part of what I need to learn is how to say “no” and make it sound like “yes.” I find I’m not especially good at that, but I’m getting better.

Hence:
In 2008, I’m going to devote myself to cementing and building meaningful relationships. I’m going to avoid wanderlust, working a room, card grabbing or meeting for drinks.

Keith Ferrazzi, in this video, says it really well: