American Madness

Intelligent Criticism in the Service of a Better Nation




The VP’s Dick, er, Duck Shoot

Posted by Adam Najberg | No Comments

Straight Shooter

A visibly embarrassed Dick Cheney Monday apologized to his close friend for shooting him in a bizarre hunting-related accident.

“I’m really sorry. I thought he was carrying a weapon of mass destruction,” said Cheney. “Contrary to what some of you all are saying out there, I didn’t shoot him because he was a lawyer.”

Cheney peppered his friend, Austin attorney Harry Whittington, with buckshot as the two attempted to flush out a covey of quails, or perhaps a bevy, said one source who wasn’t sure what to call “a bunch of stupid birds hopping around in a thicket.” The 78-year-old was in stable condition at an area hospital.

“I always was a pain in Dick’s butt,” said Whittington. “Now he’s a pain in mine.”

Whittington was lucky, White House personnel said. Cheney, also called “Heart Attack” and “Stent Boy” by his Secret Service guards is constantly surrounded by some of the world’s best medical personnel. And Democrats noted the Vice President shoots about as well as he conducts foreign policy.

Cheney agreed his buddy of many years got off lightly and then told reporters to leave him alone.

“Heck, it’s not like I stripped him of his citizenship and shipped him off to the land of his ancestors to be tortured. Would you lighten up and go write about Mohammed cartoons for Chrissakes,” he barked at reporters.

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Mobile’s Burning
Oh, arsonists. Yoo hoo!!!

Yes, you boys in Alabama. The ones with matches and extra gas cans in the back of your rickety pickup truck.

The Feds want to talk to you. Yes. Just talk. It’s safe to come out now or give them a call, maybe meet over a double latte at Starbucks in Mobile. They’re not at all interested in maybe, well, arresting your keesters for having burned down 10 churches.

One other thing, you stupid sickos. They really seem empathetic to you and appreciate the fact that you haven’t killed anyone.

Want their phone number?

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