Panda Pandering

China has offered to give Taiwan two panda bears.

But Taipei has refused, saying it fears the mainland imports would scare the Taiwanese panda bear at the zoo by spitting into their food, blowing snot on the ground and ravaging them when they bend over to pick up the soap in the shower.

“You have to remember, these are poor, Communist, peasant bears,” said Taiwan’s Premier Frank Hsieh, as he dug a booger out of his left nostril. “Our bears are somehow more educated and genteel.”

Hsieh also said he fears that once the pandas spread word that “the bamboo’s greener across the Taiwan Strait,” his country will face an influx of illegal panda immigrants, raising the country’s crime rate and stretching public resources.

“What if they all decide to send home for their dear, old Aunt Millicent?” he asked. “Total chaos. I wouldn’t take them for all the tea in China.”

Some government officials are calling them “Trojan pandas” - an effort by China to get Taiwan to acknowledge that it’s part of China. Because the panda is endangered, China lends, but never gives, them away to other countries. One Chinese province, however, can give pandas as a gift to another province. Taiwan, which split from the mainland in 1948, is considered merely a renegade province by China.

“Those sneaky devils in Beijing,” said Hsieh. “They think they’re inscrutable, but we’ve seen through their clever plan. Oh, yes! First we take the pandas, then they say, ’see, Taiwan admits it’s part of China.’”

Taipei conspiracy theorists go even one step further.

“How do we know these cute and cuddly bears aren’t actually the start of a massive mainland invasion force? First a couple of fuzzy marsupials. Then the tanks start rolling in,” said one government official.