The Chronicles of Najia

Adam Najberg is an international journalist who lost his mind many years ago. Here are some of his recent posts from the front:

Ukraine:

Poor Victor Yuschenko.

First, Russia spiked his Mountain Dew with dioxin, almost killing him, but ensuring his frontrunner status in the next Manuel Noriega lookalike contest. Now, Moscow, still pissed off that he’d rather hug George W. Bush than Vladimir Putin - a choice between Frankenstein and Uncle Fester - has turned off the heat and electricity. Not just to his house, but the natural gas supply to his entire country. If I’m Yuschenko, I’m wondering if up next isn’t a shiv in the shower.

Anyway, Russia wanted to almost quintuple Ukraine’s gas bill in a country where the average income is under $1,000 a year. Yuschenko said no, so Russia stuck the cork in the gas line. News of higher natural gas prices first sent the cost of Duraflame logs skyrocketing at the Kiev Piggly Wiggly and then led desperate Ukrainians (are there any other kind?) to dismantle the Piggly Wiggly building itself to use as kindling.

As an aside, yes, Ukraine is really a country, and Yuschenko’s its president, having run and won under the motto, “Vote Yuschenko: He’ll Take the ‘The’ out of ‘The Ukraine.’” His opponent, a Russia-backed stooge who promised “A Chicken Kiev in Every Pot,” lost because in the 14 years since Ukraine gained independence from the Soviet Union, most Ukrainians still can’t afford cookware. And now they don’t even have the gas to cook their Chicken Kiev.

Yuschenko has stones, I give him that, but he has to hope that Putin doesn’t try to settle the natural gas dispute the same way his new buddy, George Bush has handled his foreign-policy crises these past few years. Otherwise, he’d better brush up on singing the Russian national anthem at Ukrainian soccer games.

China:

I just saw that Citigroup is bidding for a 40%-45% stake in China’s Guangdong Development Bank. Citigroup would get full managerial control of the struggling Chinese bank if the deal goes through.

The great news for Chinese consumers is that the crappy standards of customer service they’ve come to know won’t change at all.

Despite being in the completely opposite camps of communism and capitalism, China and Citibank should get along just fine together.

Both are among the world’s few remaining Stalinist entities and have had numerous documented cases of corruption and inappropriate behavior by their cadres. The only difference is Citigroup recently introduced an ethics program to reeducate those caught doing wrong, while China still opts for hard labor or a bullet behind the ear. Makes you wonder whose culture will prevail in this merger.

Starbucks

Starbucks just whomped a Chinese company in a trademark dispute. The Shanghai Number 2 Intermediate People’s Court (its name has nothing to do with the crappy decisions it regularly hands down) ruled that the U.S. coffee giant, not a copycat caf? chain, had the right to use the Chinese name Xingbake. The judgment means good Chinese citizens are again free to spend an entire day’s wages on a cup of real $6 American joe, or, in this case the average “Zhou.”

The judgment follows one last year that favored Coca-Cola over Yaqing Industry and Trade in the naming of a beverage in China.

Coke had a fruit drink out, called Qoo-er, that tasted mildly like fruit, while Yaqing had a drink that tasted mildly of yak urine, called, “Kuhai” and said in a trademark dispute filing that consumers would confuse the two. While four out of five heavy opium smokers testified they agreed with the Chinese company, the judge taste-tested the two and told the plaintiffs, “I don’t know what the fuQ you’re talking about.”

The two decisions are truly a great leap forward for the Chinese justice system, which had long rested on the two pillars of “you bribe, you win” and “you foreigner, you lose.”