On Tour?Not

I thought that once you publish a book, the next order of business is to propel yourself into the life of the touring author: parties, book signings, adulation and groupies (with teeth, preferably).

What has surprised me about the launch of Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools (St. Martins Press) is the complete lack of sock-em, rock-em excitement. Yes, you conduct interviews, but they are by telephone, which you can do in your underwear while your dog farts next to you (a picture of this very thing is on page 63 of Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools, St. Martins Press).

And yes, you do sign autographs in stores, which the publisher encourages you to do. But unless you are a BIG author, no one shows up to your book signings, and you end up sucking on Cheese Doodles with very bored looking cashiers who want you to stop telling them what?s on page 63 of Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools (St. Martins Press).

So what?s the upside? Well, when you go to your class reunion, you can say ?I?m a writer?, to which the reply might be, ?great, did you bang Cameron Diaz?? Always say yes, except when talking to Cameron Diaz?s father.

When you are in prison, and your fellow inmates want to butt fuck you because you are a literary wimp, you can tell them that if they use lubrication, you will autograph their copies of your book with their own semen. This gives you a certain amount a gravitas among the prison population, which will last until the next time you bend over.

When you are on television, no one will say, ?get off the television, we?re watching a movie, your legs are in the way.? No, you are a writer, and people expect you to be on television, though not necessarily theirs.

There are many other advantages to being a published writer, which are listed on page 63 of Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools (St. Martins Press). I suggest you run to Barnes and Noble and buy this book immediately, but please, no semen-laced autographs tonight. I have a headache.