Phone Wars

The Phone Companies, in response to inexpensive VOIP providers, have let
loose new promotions to regain your business. First, ?Verbs Are Free Day?,
where all calls are free, provided?.

Operator: Welcome to ?All Verbs Are Free? Day. Please proceed with your
call.

Person One: Greeting!

Person Two: Chillin?.

Person One : Drinkin?

Person Two: Drank, Drunk.

Person One: Cool!

Voice of Operator: That will be, 25 cents, for every non-verb.

Person One: What the f?(obscenity cut off by operator)

Operator: 75 cents.

Person One (very angry): Now wait a goddam?.

Operator: 75 cents.

Person Two: Hey, you said wait, wait is a verb.

Operator: One Dollar, and 50 cents.

Person One: Shit, hang up the phone before we?re broke.

Operator: You may use the pirate option. All calls made in a pirate voice
are half off.

Person One: ?Aargh, and how is your landlubbin? girlfriend, scurvy dog that
she is.?

Person Two: Look, I think you?re taking this pirate thing too far.

Operator: Two Dollars, and seventy-five cents.

Person Two: I mean, uh, arrrrrr.

Person One: Arrrrr, Matey, let’s go get us some grog.

Person Two: Arrrrr.

Person One: Arrrrr.

(The screen is split in two with each side showing two very old men talking
to each other on the phone.)

Old Man 1: So how are your grandkids doing?

Old Man 2: Oh cute as ever. Why just the other day they came over and they
asked me?

Operator: All calls in a Valley Girl voice are half off.

(Old Man 1 and 2 look at the phone strangely, shrug shoulders during the
operator’s line and immediately start talking.)

Old Man 1: They, like, asked what did you do in the war Grandpa?

Old Man 2: Oh my God, that’s so cute. Like, what did you tell them?

Old Man 1: I, like, said we flew to Germany and killed us some commie scum.

Old Man 2: (voice is more high pitched and excited) That’s, like, so true.
What did they say?

Old Man 1: They just kept watching those cartoons. They’re such babies. They
so don’t know how hard it is to, like, do stuff.

Old Man 2: Totally.

Old Man 1: Totally.

Operator: All words containing the letter “A” will cost .25 cents extra.

Old Man 1: This phone sucks.

Old Man 2: Fer sure.

Old Man 1: Totally.

Operator: .25 cents.

Old Man 1: Whatever.

(The screen is split into two sections with a busy father on one side
sitting in a cubicle talking to his son who is standing in front of a
payphone wearing a baseball cap.)

Father: OK, Freddie, Daddy has to work until five but I’ll be there to pick
you up and take you to practice.

Son: Ok father. Where should I meet you?

Operator: This call must be made in a Scooby Doo voice or all charges are
double.

Son: Ummmm, rok rather. Rere rould ry reet rou?

Father: Reet re ry re gymnasium rat rive ro’rock right rafter rass recause
ry ron’t rant ro re rate.

Son: Ran rou ring ry raserall rove?

Father: Rhat? Rou rorgot ror raserall rove? Row rere roing ro re rate? Rou
reed ro re rore responrible?

Son: Ra ridn’t rorget rit. Rou rook rit rafter ri roke ra rinrow.

Father: Rut rit, roy.

Operator: Your phone line is being immediately disconnected.

Son: Rup roars.

(The screen is split into two sides featuring two teenage girls, one of whom
is sitting on her bed Indian style and the other is standing in a classroom
hallway with books in one hand and her cell phone in the other.)

Girl 1: I so think Adam is going to ask me to the prom tonight!

Girl 2: Oh I’m so excited, he’s so?

Operator: (interrupting) In honor of John Wayne’s birthday, all calls made
in the voice of the Duke are free for the next five minutes.

Girl 2: He’s so dreamy. I think he’s such a hunk.

Girl 1: I’ve been waiting all day for him to ask me. He shouldn’t be so
nervous just because I think he’s so darn handsome.

Girl 2: Girl, you should just walk right up to him, look him right in the
eyes and tell him, “I’m not gonna kiss ya, the hell I’m not.”

Girl 1: A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. He sure knows how to make
me feel like a woman.

Girl 2: For sure.

Girl 1: For sure.