Trouble

I was in trouble today.

See, I was crossing the street at Times Square walking toward the Conde Nast building. Cool place, with a great cafeteria, where if you use your imagination, you would think the tofu squares in the salad actually taste like chicken.

I was early for my appointment, maybe a half hour or so. And when you are visiting a working journalist hot for deadline, you better be the Queen or a p0rn star (or both) if you want him to give up those precious thirty minutes.

Here?s the trouble: in New York City, when you need to take a leak, you are on your own. Maybe in Des Moines you could just walk into a restaurant and say howdy to the proprietor and use the loo. But in New York, you better buy something or sit down and be a customer if you want facilities at your disposal.

Taking a leak can be trouble all around the world. Let?s say you?ve had one too many Diet Pepsis in Albania. First off, many places they call the bathroom the water closet, and no self-respecting American will take a leak in the closet. In a sink, maybe, but never the closet.

Second, going to the bathroom in Albania can be costly. One Albanian hospital patient reported highway robbery on his way to pee.

?I have a kidney infection, and I have to use the bathroom several times a day,? said the patient. ?I have to pay 200 lek [US$1.34] each time I go in.?

According to the Albanian publication Shekulli, ?bathrooms in public hospitals have suddenly become private property. Usually the cleaning staff manages the restrooms. They say they do not get paid enough, so they follow people down the hall to collect what they think is owed them.?

Remind me not to drink Diet Pepsi in Albania.

Thirty minutes in Manhattan had become 25 and the wait for a bathroom within the heavily guarded Conde Nast building was becoming bleak. ?No appointment, no entry, no pee,? was the unsaid motto of the suddenly unfriendly security staff, who obviously had to deal with bladder challenged individuals all day.

Across the street from Conde Nast was a nice little hotel. If you are dressed nicely, you can usually hit the loo in a hotel, but at this particular one, there was a security person at the front door.

?Where?s the rest room,? I asked this new line of bathroom defense.

?Are you a guest here, sir??

Quick, time for impov. ?I?m meeting my attorney who is staying here.? I quickly scanned a welcome sign in the lobby. ?Yes, Bradley Benson of the law firm of Benson, Benson and Bensonhurst.?

?He hasn?t checked in yet.?

?No problem, I?ll wait. Right here. Peeing on your good rug.?

Obviously beaten, the guard nodded in the direction of the sacred loo, and with as much dignity as I could muster, I dashed to my destination.

On my way out I smiled at the Mr. Bathroom Security, handing him 200 lek. And one day, if he ever drinks too many Albanian diet Pepsi?s, I?m sure he will appreciate it.